I was confronted once with a photograph. A photograph that was very clearly of me (if you are going to do bad things and you are heavily tattooed do those things with long sleeves on and by all means with pants on for sure). When the photo was handed to me I adamantly denied that the scene in the photo was what it appeared to be.
Clearly it had been taken out of context. Clearly the photograph had not been taken when whoever took said it was taken. Clearly I was not guilty of all charges.
I would like to take a moment to reflect on the new I-phones which are clearly anti marriage. How awful to create something that takes away the ability to lie about where you are - what the hell happened to the area code rules, smoke breaks which are really phone breaks, "I was stuck in traffic" and of course the most awesome explanation ever, "of course I am alone"... in this hallway - stupid I -phone.
Once upon a time there was an awesome girl named Peaches. Peaches had the prettiest blond hair and the prettiest blue eyes the thinnest thighs in all of Hollywood.
Everyday Peaches caught the attention of people passing by. Everyone really liked her because on top of being very pretty Peaches was always very nice... well almost always.
One day when Peaches was at work at the very fancy department store where she sold perfume she found herself wishing for a new purse. Peaches' wandered down to the section of the store where purses were sold and she started to look around.
First Peaches found a Little Tiny Yellow purse. She slung it over her shoulder and said, "Oh my, this purse is too small".
Next Peaches found a Great Big Blue Purse. She slung it over her shoulder and said, "Oh my, this purse is too big".
Finally Peaches found a Very Nice Black Purse with little diamonds on it. She slung it over her shoulder and said, "Oh my, this purse is perfect - except the diamonds I don't really like those at all".
Peaches searched the purse for a price tag but she couldn't find one anywhere. She unzipped the bag and noticed that the purse was not 'new' at all. In fact the purse must have belonged to someone.
Peaches took the purse back to the perfume department and asked the girls if the purse belonged to any of them - actually there was only girl to ask, Mary Peach's best friend, and she said that the purse certainly wasn't hers.
A week went by and Peaches was really enjoying her new purse, especially since she had scraped all the stupid little diamonds off of it. All of a sudden Peaches heard a commotion coming from the escalator. A very angry girl walked up to Peach's and asked her where she had gotten her purse.
"I bought it" Peach's said.
"Are you sure", the angry (and inappropriately dressed) girl asked?
"Of course I am" Peaches said, and with that the girl left.
A week or two went by and rumors began to spin around the store that Peach's had stolen the angry girls purse. Peaches was very upset by these rumors and she told all of her friends that the girl was crazy - why would Peach's take her purse.
One day the angry girl came back up to the perfume section of the store. Peach's wasn't working that day but Mary was.
"Your friend stole my purse" the angry girl said to Mary.
"Your fat" Mary said to the angry girl, and with that the angry girl ran out of the perfume department crying.
"What a bitch" Mary said to no one in particular. Just then Peaches walked into the perfume department.
"Isn't today your day off" Mary asked?
"Yes but I had to go to the hardware department to get something so I thought I would come up here and say hi to you" Peaches said.
"What did you need at the hardware store" Mary asked?
"I have the most annoying Crickets in my yard, they are loud and fat and I wanted to get something to kill them with" Peaches replied.
"Cool" Mary said.
The end.
As for that picture that I was confronted with - I will say now what I said that very day. There is no way that was a picture of me - tons of people have Tom Waits song lyrics tattooed across the backs of their thighs.
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