I bit my dog once. I did not bite him hard, it was more of a love pinch really. He of course did not care for it one bit - but he did not bite me back. That is the kind of relationship that he and I have. Do not worry though, I only bit him once - I kiss him all the time.
Once upon a time there was a lovely little girl who went by the name of Keeley. She was tall and thin with a round bottom and a round top and a little tapered waste. Once when she was at the neighborhood coffee shop another lovely girl whispered to a friend standing nearby, "Look at that lovely girl; it is as though she walks on air and her nose is always sticking up in it. Well, I certainly hope she floats far from here someday". This statement of course was not meant in a happy parade float kind of way, no sir, this was meant as a insult toward Keeley (and one that was not whispered at all but rather said loud enough for anyone listening to hear quite well). Keeley did not care one bit about the other girls rant - Jealousy from girls was simply a compliment as far as she was concerned.
Outburst's like that happened all the time when Keeley went somewhere new and she was used to it by now. She ordered her coffee with cream and two sugars (normally she would have gotten it without the cream but she wanted to be sure that the other girls knew that she could eat anything she wanted) and headed out the door to the street below as happy as she always was - and why shouldn't she be.
Once outside Keeley headed toward her bicycle which she had hitched up near by when suddenly she heard a deep voice from somewhere below her.
"Excuse me miss, but could I get a kiss?"
Keeley was surprised to hear such a deep voice without a gentleman to accompany it. She looked around but there was certainly no one near by?
"Excuse me miss, but could I please get a kiss?" The voice came again this time in a pleading tone.
"I would be more than happy to give you a kiss sir, if you would only tell me where you are?" Keeley replied to the phantom voice.
"Just look down, lovely lady - I am right below your nose." The voice replied full of confidence, with no indication what so ever that there may be anything odd attached to the statement, the request - or the requester.
So Keeley looked down and what did she see; the ugliest frog she had ever laid her eyes upon.
"Oh my sir. You are a frog" Keeley stated mouth agape.
"And you are a lovely young lady" the frog replied rather matter of fact. "Since we have both now stated the obvious could we please move along to the business at hand - my kiss."
' Keeley was about to reply to the frog (and I will save her reply for now since if I were to tell you what she was going to say at this point it would take away something from the moral and ending of the tale) when the two lovely, albeit loud, young ladies from the coffee shop walked over to Keeley and the very ugly frog.
"You are not going to kiss that frog are you Keeley?" the louder (and prettier) of the two girls said as they approached the pair on the sidewalk.
"Hush girl, I am no longer talking to you!" the frog protested.
"Oh my, did you ask these girls to kiss you as well?" Keeley asked the very ugly frog.
"I did" the frog replied.
"And did they do it?" Keeley asked.
"We certainly did not!" the quieter (although not really quiet) and less pretty (although pretty all the same) of the two girls replied. "Why on earth would we kiss any frog - and certainly not one as ugly as that".
At this point Keeley had some thinking to do. She was not quite sure how she felt about kissing a frog - ugly or not. At the same time she knew that she did not care for the two loud (yet pretty) girls. So she did not want to do what they had done, which of course was to not do anything. Keeley decided that she would rather be known as the girl who kissed the frog then the girl who was loud and rude (although loud rude and pretty).
"Well frog, I have decided what I am going to do" Keeley said.
"Will you kiss me?" asked the frog.
"Will you kiss him?" asked the louder and prettier of the two girls.
"You are not going to kiss him, are you?" asked the quieter and less pretty of the two girls.
All of the group awaited Keeley's response with such intensity one might have thought something very, very important was going on outside the coffee shop (albeit rather odd).
"Mr. Frog, I will kiss you" Keeley said, "But I will not kiss you with tongue" she stated rather matter of fact.
"Fabulous!" replied the frog and with that Keeley knelt down on the sidewalk, which was not really all that clean, and kissed the frog - with a closed mouth, which somehow seemed cleaner then the alternative type of kissing which would have involved tongue which we have already established Keeley was not going to do.
All of a sudden there was a puff of smoke and the frog turned into a Calvin Kline swimsuit male model.
"Holy Smoke" Keeley said.
"Holy Moley" The quieter (and less pretty) of the two girls said.
"Holy Shit!" The louder (and clearly more vulgar) of the two girls said.
"I know, right?" said the frog who was no longer a frog. "I have been stuck as that frog for like ever. No body would kiss me - I mean no body" the frog/swimsuit model stated. "I thought the ridiculous curse that was placed on me would never be over and I would never find another man to love me, for my mind and my gorgeous body".
"So you are into boys?" Keeley asked the frog/swimsuit model.
"Definitely" the frog/swimsuit model replied.
"Well, if that is the case then I guess I better head home" Keeley said, and with that she got on her bike and rode away without a prince but with the knowledge that she had done something nice, and she had made the other two girls look rather bitchy and petty in the process.
The end.
So the moral to my story is that sometimes the prince isn't worth getting but the upper hand almost always is -- just look at me and my dog; I never did get bit.
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