I was confronted once with a photograph. A photograph that was very clearly of me (if you are going to do bad things and you are heavily tattooed do those things with long sleeves on and by all means with pants on for sure). When the photo was handed to me I adamantly denied that the scene in the photo was what it appeared to be.
Clearly it had been taken out of context. Clearly the photograph had not been taken when whoever took said it was taken. Clearly I was not guilty of all charges.
I would like to take a moment to reflect on the new I-phones which are clearly anti marriage. How awful to create something that takes away the ability to lie about where you are - what the hell happened to the area code rules, smoke breaks which are really phone breaks, "I was stuck in traffic" and of course the most awesome explanation ever, "of course I am alone"... in this hallway - stupid I -phone.
Once upon a time there was an awesome girl named Peaches. Peaches had the prettiest blond hair and the prettiest blue eyes the thinnest thighs in all of Hollywood.
Everyday Peaches caught the attention of people passing by. Everyone really liked her because on top of being very pretty Peaches was always very nice... well almost always.
One day when Peaches was at work at the very fancy department store where she sold perfume she found herself wishing for a new purse. Peaches' wandered down to the section of the store where purses were sold and she started to look around.
First Peaches found a Little Tiny Yellow purse. She slung it over her shoulder and said, "Oh my, this purse is too small".
Next Peaches found a Great Big Blue Purse. She slung it over her shoulder and said, "Oh my, this purse is too big".
Finally Peaches found a Very Nice Black Purse with little diamonds on it. She slung it over her shoulder and said, "Oh my, this purse is perfect - except the diamonds I don't really like those at all".
Peaches searched the purse for a price tag but she couldn't find one anywhere. She unzipped the bag and noticed that the purse was not 'new' at all. In fact the purse must have belonged to someone.
Peaches took the purse back to the perfume department and asked the girls if the purse belonged to any of them - actually there was only girl to ask, Mary Peach's best friend, and she said that the purse certainly wasn't hers.
A week went by and Peaches was really enjoying her new purse, especially since she had scraped all the stupid little diamonds off of it. All of a sudden Peaches heard a commotion coming from the escalator. A very angry girl walked up to Peach's and asked her where she had gotten her purse.
"I bought it" Peach's said.
"Are you sure", the angry (and inappropriately dressed) girl asked?
"Of course I am" Peaches said, and with that the girl left.
A week or two went by and rumors began to spin around the store that Peach's had stolen the angry girls purse. Peaches was very upset by these rumors and she told all of her friends that the girl was crazy - why would Peach's take her purse.
One day the angry girl came back up to the perfume section of the store. Peach's wasn't working that day but Mary was.
"Your friend stole my purse" the angry girl said to Mary.
"Your fat" Mary said to the angry girl, and with that the angry girl ran out of the perfume department crying.
"What a bitch" Mary said to no one in particular. Just then Peaches walked into the perfume department.
"Isn't today your day off" Mary asked?
"Yes but I had to go to the hardware department to get something so I thought I would come up here and say hi to you" Peaches said.
"What did you need at the hardware store" Mary asked?
"I have the most annoying Crickets in my yard, they are loud and fat and I wanted to get something to kill them with" Peaches replied.
"Cool" Mary said.
The end.
As for that picture that I was confronted with - I will say now what I said that very day. There is no way that was a picture of me - tons of people have Tom Waits song lyrics tattooed across the backs of their thighs.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Rapunzel, Runpunzel - Let Down Your Guard
When I was about four years old I had a favorite balloon - no time to explain, just accept the fact that I was an odd kid and go with it.
My parents, being the hippie souls that they are enjoyed taking drives, we never went "anywhere" but boy did my parents like the getting nowhere part. On one particular drive I brought my favorite balloon to keep me company (go with the odd thing) and as we traversed a mountain side somewhere in Central California my balloon went right out the window.
I demanded, as only a four year old can, that we stop the car and retrieve the balloon but my parents were having none of that - the balloon was gone and my mother told me that in time I wouldn't miss it so much.
She was completely wrong.
Once upon a time in a small apartment in a large city called New York there lived a girl named Rapunzel. Now would be the time to wonder about the odd name bequeathed to our young heroine and there is indeed an explanation for it.
Rapunzel's mamma was fifteen when her little blond baby was born, just a kid herself her wealth of worldly knowledge stemmed mainly from the story books she had been read when she was a little girl. Storybooks read to her by the various boyfriends her own mother, also a young mamma, would bring home night after night.
Rapunzel capitalized on her unique name however, not only was it a great way to start conversations she often imagined that her tiny apartment was actually the tower of imprisonment resided in by her fairy-tale namesake. At twenty-three years old the paycheck of a store clerk in New York City did not provide a young lady a castle by any means, and so, Rapunzel settled for a lower East Side Walk up and dreamed of the day she would move to Long Island and buy a house on the water. Until then she would dream about her prince scaling the moldy stairwell to whisk her away from the world she knew.
Rapunzel was a very good girl. Scared celibate by the stories of her mother and grandmother's teen pregnancy's Rapunzel proudly wore her band of chastity promising herself that even if she did not wait for sex until marriage that she would no doubt wait until she was in truly, truly in love (I know how you must feel reading that, it made me gag a little bit just to write it).
Time passed and Rapunzel grew older, she worked harder and she stayed motivated. Many young men (and really creepy older ones) took her out on dates but none of them really sparked her heart. At the end of each date the men would say, "Come on Rapunzel; Let down your hair, have a little fun". Rapunzel was true to her promise though and she never let her guard down and so her ring of celibacy and her panties always stayed firmly in place - although she often noticed on her way home that certain parts of her had really wanted to stay....
After ten years of hard work Rapunzel had moved from clerk, to salesperson, to manager to supervisor. She had a good salary and her tiny apartment and been traded for a larger one and then one just a little bigger until one day she was applying for a mortgage. It was not a house on the water, but it was in Long Island and it was a house... if only there was a prince (and preferable not one that had been blinded by a crazy thorn bush).
One evening as Rapunzel sat in a bar just outside of Brooklyn nursing a Side Car after work (her mother's favorite poison) when a very handsome man approached her. He had brilliant chestnut eyes and curly black hair and even without the liqueur Rapunzel was positive she was smitten.
One drink turned into two and then three and the next thing she knew the two of them were in the back of a cab lips locked hands wandering. Now just because she had never had sex, presidential or the regular kind, it did not mean that she didn't know what to do and besides she had fooled around all those other times, even if she had never really let down her hair.
The problem Rapunzel had run into as she got older and older still retaining the badge of virgin was that men got less and less interested in being the one to unpin the badge until finally it wasn't even Rapunzel deciding not to go all the way -- it was the men hitting the brakes. So Rapunzel decided she wasn't going to tell this guy what her ring meant - in fact she wasn't even sure if she was going to tell him her name, how about that for letting one's hair down?
When the handsome man placed his hand inside her sweater she did not stop him. When he placed his tongue deeper inside her mouth she simply spread her lips wider. When he took her hand and placed it on the throbbing bulge in his pants she did not slap his hand away - no sir - she slid down the zipper of his jeans to see what was really going on, all while still in the back of the cab.
Once in his apartment Rapunzel went for broke and then she went again, and again, and again and again. When it was all over she lay on his bed naked twisted up in his sheets waiting to feel guilty, waiting to feel like she had let herself down waiting to feel bad in some tiny way that she waited so long and then thrown it all away in the back of a cab, a cab going to BROOKLYN no less!
It turned out that Rapunzel did feel bad. She felt bad that she had waited so God Damn long to find out what the big deal was about sex. She had loved the feeling of him inside her, the taste of her own sweat running down her cheeks. She had loved the places he had asked her to touch and the places he had touched her.
Jesus Christ no wonder her mamma had gotten knocked up at 15.
In the morning Rapunzel did the walk of shame to the subway station - but she was not ashamed about her evening of debauchery, she was ashamed that she had not done it sooner.
Luckily for Rapunzel she had aged well and New York City was full to the brim with men of loose morals and low character; hopefully she would have time to find quite a few of them.
The End.
The truth is when I look back at the day in the car all I can think about is what I could have done to keep the balloon grasped more tightly in my hand. My mom was wrong in regards to getting over it, as I said I never did - I think I could have had a lot of fun with that balloon had it not flown away. It did teach me an incredibly important lesson however. I do everything I get the chance to do every time I get the chance to do it - you never know when someone may roll the window down just far enough for opportunity to fly right out of it.
My parents, being the hippie souls that they are enjoyed taking drives, we never went "anywhere" but boy did my parents like the getting nowhere part. On one particular drive I brought my favorite balloon to keep me company (go with the odd thing) and as we traversed a mountain side somewhere in Central California my balloon went right out the window.
I demanded, as only a four year old can, that we stop the car and retrieve the balloon but my parents were having none of that - the balloon was gone and my mother told me that in time I wouldn't miss it so much.
She was completely wrong.
Once upon a time in a small apartment in a large city called New York there lived a girl named Rapunzel. Now would be the time to wonder about the odd name bequeathed to our young heroine and there is indeed an explanation for it.
Rapunzel's mamma was fifteen when her little blond baby was born, just a kid herself her wealth of worldly knowledge stemmed mainly from the story books she had been read when she was a little girl. Storybooks read to her by the various boyfriends her own mother, also a young mamma, would bring home night after night.
Rapunzel capitalized on her unique name however, not only was it a great way to start conversations she often imagined that her tiny apartment was actually the tower of imprisonment resided in by her fairy-tale namesake. At twenty-three years old the paycheck of a store clerk in New York City did not provide a young lady a castle by any means, and so, Rapunzel settled for a lower East Side Walk up and dreamed of the day she would move to Long Island and buy a house on the water. Until then she would dream about her prince scaling the moldy stairwell to whisk her away from the world she knew.
Rapunzel was a very good girl. Scared celibate by the stories of her mother and grandmother's teen pregnancy's Rapunzel proudly wore her band of chastity promising herself that even if she did not wait for sex until marriage that she would no doubt wait until she was in truly, truly in love (I know how you must feel reading that, it made me gag a little bit just to write it).
Time passed and Rapunzel grew older, she worked harder and she stayed motivated. Many young men (and really creepy older ones) took her out on dates but none of them really sparked her heart. At the end of each date the men would say, "Come on Rapunzel; Let down your hair, have a little fun". Rapunzel was true to her promise though and she never let her guard down and so her ring of celibacy and her panties always stayed firmly in place - although she often noticed on her way home that certain parts of her had really wanted to stay....
After ten years of hard work Rapunzel had moved from clerk, to salesperson, to manager to supervisor. She had a good salary and her tiny apartment and been traded for a larger one and then one just a little bigger until one day she was applying for a mortgage. It was not a house on the water, but it was in Long Island and it was a house... if only there was a prince (and preferable not one that had been blinded by a crazy thorn bush).
One evening as Rapunzel sat in a bar just outside of Brooklyn nursing a Side Car after work (her mother's favorite poison) when a very handsome man approached her. He had brilliant chestnut eyes and curly black hair and even without the liqueur Rapunzel was positive she was smitten.
One drink turned into two and then three and the next thing she knew the two of them were in the back of a cab lips locked hands wandering. Now just because she had never had sex, presidential or the regular kind, it did not mean that she didn't know what to do and besides she had fooled around all those other times, even if she had never really let down her hair.
The problem Rapunzel had run into as she got older and older still retaining the badge of virgin was that men got less and less interested in being the one to unpin the badge until finally it wasn't even Rapunzel deciding not to go all the way -- it was the men hitting the brakes. So Rapunzel decided she wasn't going to tell this guy what her ring meant - in fact she wasn't even sure if she was going to tell him her name, how about that for letting one's hair down?
When the handsome man placed his hand inside her sweater she did not stop him. When he placed his tongue deeper inside her mouth she simply spread her lips wider. When he took her hand and placed it on the throbbing bulge in his pants she did not slap his hand away - no sir - she slid down the zipper of his jeans to see what was really going on, all while still in the back of the cab.
Once in his apartment Rapunzel went for broke and then she went again, and again, and again and again. When it was all over she lay on his bed naked twisted up in his sheets waiting to feel guilty, waiting to feel like she had let herself down waiting to feel bad in some tiny way that she waited so long and then thrown it all away in the back of a cab, a cab going to BROOKLYN no less!
It turned out that Rapunzel did feel bad. She felt bad that she had waited so God Damn long to find out what the big deal was about sex. She had loved the feeling of him inside her, the taste of her own sweat running down her cheeks. She had loved the places he had asked her to touch and the places he had touched her.
Jesus Christ no wonder her mamma had gotten knocked up at 15.
In the morning Rapunzel did the walk of shame to the subway station - but she was not ashamed about her evening of debauchery, she was ashamed that she had not done it sooner.
Luckily for Rapunzel she had aged well and New York City was full to the brim with men of loose morals and low character; hopefully she would have time to find quite a few of them.
The End.
The truth is when I look back at the day in the car all I can think about is what I could have done to keep the balloon grasped more tightly in my hand. My mom was wrong in regards to getting over it, as I said I never did - I think I could have had a lot of fun with that balloon had it not flown away. It did teach me an incredibly important lesson however. I do everything I get the chance to do every time I get the chance to do it - you never know when someone may roll the window down just far enough for opportunity to fly right out of it.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Waxing Nostalgic (or the formerly ugly ducking)
Shall I digress from my usual bittersweet indignation. Shall I simply take the time to remember the things that got me where I am today. Shall I go back and appreciate everything that went wrong making me nothing but stronger - not a chance!
I have a tattoo across my neck that says "I would not change a single moment". The tattoo is 100% the truth - I would not change anything about my life because I love where I am today. That does not mean, however, that I have to wax nostalgic over the roadmap of scars I see in the mirror every morning. Scars that make me who I am but whose story's remain locked away in my head (where they belong). Stories that are only to be told late at night in cheap motels to strangers who I have no intention of ever calling again.
Once upon a time there was a very awkward little boy with a gap in his teeth and the palest of pale skin. In fact this boy's skin was so white that he was called a ghost by the other kids at school. Boys and Girls alike would push him down in the sandbox and when he would try to hit them back they would run away faster then he could run on his skinny spindly legs.
There is no need to go into too much detail about this little boy's time in grade school, or middle school or high school because it would be a waste of time - his time in those places was not very good.
The boy lived in a small home with his father but the boy did not like the things that his father liked and because of this his father did not have many kind things to say to the boy. There is no need to go into too much detail about this little boy's time at home because it would be a waste of time - his time at home was not very good.
The boy had a job when he was in high school and at his job he had a boss. His boss said very nice things to the boy but he said them in a way that made the boy feel funny. When it was time to lock the store at night the boy's boss would have the boy stay late. There is no need to go into too much detail about this little boy's time at his job because it would be a waste of time - his time after work was not very good.
When the boy was eighteen years old and he held high school diploma tightly in his hands he bought a ticket on an airplane and he left the town where he grew up and all of the kids he had grown up with, he left his father and he left his job and he left his boss.
The boy went to college and while he was there he found other boys who he had fun with. Day by day the boy became a man and as time passed he found a group of men who thought the boy, who was now a man, was a very wonderful person. He found a job where he was praised for his skill and in time he found a very special man who told him that he was perfect and that he loved him very much.
At night our boy, who was now a man, would crawl into bed very happy. He would look over at the figure lying next to him and the sweetest rush of pleasure would wash across his soul. As he drifted off to sleep he would say a silent prayer that in the morning when he woke up that the next day of his life would be as just as good as the day he was saying goodbye to as he slept.
By the time the next night rolled around and the boy, who was now a man, was crawling into bed again his wish had always come true. From that time on every day he lived was just a little better then the day before had been.
And the boy, who was now a man, lived happily ever after.
About five years ago I got a phone call from the area code where I grew up. I did not recognize the voice on the other end of the line and so she told me who she was. It was a girl whom I had gone to school with, a girl who had never missed the opportunity to make me feel like shit.
She babbled at me over the phone line for a while and then she finally cut to the chase. She wanted me to know that she was very sorry for everything she had done to me when we were younger - she hoped that I could find it in my heart to forgive her because she was now a mother and she understood that the way she had acted all those years ago was wrong.
I thought about everything she was saying and I looked around my kitchen at all my things and thought about how nice my life had turned out.
I smiled and I told her to go and fuck herself. I told her that I really didn't care what kind of twelve step program she had tripped over and fell in but that I did not for one, single, solitary moment forgive her for the torture she had put me through in school. Then I hung up the phone and called my own mother and kindly asked her not to ever give out my phone number to ANYONE from high school ever again.
I have a tattoo across my neck that says "I would not change a single moment". The tattoo is 100% the truth - I would not change anything about my life because I love where I am today. That does not mean, however, that I have to wax nostalgic over the roadmap of scars I see in the mirror every morning. Scars that make me who I am but whose story's remain locked away in my head (where they belong). Stories that are only to be told late at night in cheap motels to strangers who I have no intention of ever calling again.
Once upon a time there was a very awkward little boy with a gap in his teeth and the palest of pale skin. In fact this boy's skin was so white that he was called a ghost by the other kids at school. Boys and Girls alike would push him down in the sandbox and when he would try to hit them back they would run away faster then he could run on his skinny spindly legs.
There is no need to go into too much detail about this little boy's time in grade school, or middle school or high school because it would be a waste of time - his time in those places was not very good.
The boy lived in a small home with his father but the boy did not like the things that his father liked and because of this his father did not have many kind things to say to the boy. There is no need to go into too much detail about this little boy's time at home because it would be a waste of time - his time at home was not very good.
The boy had a job when he was in high school and at his job he had a boss. His boss said very nice things to the boy but he said them in a way that made the boy feel funny. When it was time to lock the store at night the boy's boss would have the boy stay late. There is no need to go into too much detail about this little boy's time at his job because it would be a waste of time - his time after work was not very good.
When the boy was eighteen years old and he held high school diploma tightly in his hands he bought a ticket on an airplane and he left the town where he grew up and all of the kids he had grown up with, he left his father and he left his job and he left his boss.
The boy went to college and while he was there he found other boys who he had fun with. Day by day the boy became a man and as time passed he found a group of men who thought the boy, who was now a man, was a very wonderful person. He found a job where he was praised for his skill and in time he found a very special man who told him that he was perfect and that he loved him very much.
At night our boy, who was now a man, would crawl into bed very happy. He would look over at the figure lying next to him and the sweetest rush of pleasure would wash across his soul. As he drifted off to sleep he would say a silent prayer that in the morning when he woke up that the next day of his life would be as just as good as the day he was saying goodbye to as he slept.
By the time the next night rolled around and the boy, who was now a man, was crawling into bed again his wish had always come true. From that time on every day he lived was just a little better then the day before had been.
And the boy, who was now a man, lived happily ever after.
About five years ago I got a phone call from the area code where I grew up. I did not recognize the voice on the other end of the line and so she told me who she was. It was a girl whom I had gone to school with, a girl who had never missed the opportunity to make me feel like shit.
She babbled at me over the phone line for a while and then she finally cut to the chase. She wanted me to know that she was very sorry for everything she had done to me when we were younger - she hoped that I could find it in my heart to forgive her because she was now a mother and she understood that the way she had acted all those years ago was wrong.
I thought about everything she was saying and I looked around my kitchen at all my things and thought about how nice my life had turned out.
I smiled and I told her to go and fuck herself. I told her that I really didn't care what kind of twelve step program she had tripped over and fell in but that I did not for one, single, solitary moment forgive her for the torture she had put me through in school. Then I hung up the phone and called my own mother and kindly asked her not to ever give out my phone number to ANYONE from high school ever again.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Such a Fine Line Between Romance and Sex Crime...
My favorite fairy tale has always been Sleeping Beauty, I loved every bit of it, well everything except the molestation scene at the end.
What? You do not know what I am talking about. Well, let's see, the princess (who may I remind you has just turned 16) has a spell put on her rendering her unconscious - the prince brakes into the castle and finds the young princess unconscious on the bed so what does he do? He kisses her, hmmmm... you seriously never questioned that?
Once upon a time in a land called San Francisco a young and troubled girl named Kathy decided that working at the local pizza joint simply wasn't paying her bills. She hit the bus and ventured into a place called North Beach, the Italian section of San Francisco, also known as the Red Light District.
She was a pretty girl and had always been able to use her looks to get what she wanted but Kathy wasn't the sharpest tool in the box. Kathy didn't really mind being somewhat simple though, in fact she had a friend that was quite intelligent and Kathy noticed that, that friend was almost never happy - Kathy on the other hand was almost always happy and she figured it must have something to do with the fact that she rarely found herself deep in thought.
It did not take Kathy too long to find a job in this land of North Beach, in fact finding a job had been as simple as apple pie (which in one of her rare moments of deep thought Kathy decided was a very silly thing to say since she had tried to bake an apple pie once and it had not gone well at all - it certainly was not simple).
The job that Kathy found was wonderful. She did not have to do any math and there were no uniform and hardly any rules at all. She worked with twenty four other young girls, all of whom were just as pretty as she was, and often she got to smoke pot while she was working. Try as she might Kathy could not find the downside to her new job.
There was however a catch to Kathy's new job. The customers were not required to pay her and Kathy never, ever got paid by her boss.
She came in every night and did what was asked of her. She looked at the schedule that was posted on the wall on Sunday's and always came in on the days that her named was marked down for. She was polite to all of the customers and she did not start fights with the other girls. She wore the appropriate outfits and said all sorts of funny things to the people who came in and sometimes those people gave her money. Sometimes they tried to touch her under her clothes as well.
They would tell her how pretty she was, they would tell her how much they enjoyed talking with her, some of them even invited Kathy to spend time with them when she was not at work but Kathy did not think that was a very good idea. Some times Kathy was so tired when she got home from her new job that she would sleep until one or two in the afternoon the next day. But even has hard as she worked and as good as she was at her job sometimes Kathy would come home with only forty or fifty dollars.
One day Kathy asked one of the other girls at work why none of the girls got paychecks for doing their jobs. The girl who Kathy asked did not have an answer for her though so Kathy asked another girl but she too had no answer and she was very busy sniffing the table in front of her. Kathy decided that she was going to get to the bottom of this mystery so she went up to the very big man who also worked at her job - it was his job to stand at the door and look big and sometimes it was also his job to take out the trash.
"Big Joe" Kathy asked "Why doesn't anybody get paid to work here"?
"I get paid to work here" said Big Joe.
Well, that is rather odd Kathy thought. It was odd because every night when Kathy left work she gave Big Joe some of the money that she had made being nice to the customers - Big Joe didn't have to be nice to the customers?
So Kathy decided she would ask someone else.
"Panther" Kathy asked the tattooed man who sat in the big booth in the back and pushed buttons on his computer to make the songs play, "Why doesn't everyone who works here get a paycheck"?
"I don't know, I get a paycheck" said Panther.
Well, that was very, very strange Kathy thought. I mean Panther did have a very hard job, pushing buttons, but at the end of the night Kathy had to give Panther some of the money that the customers gave to her and Panther never had to talk to the customers (and they certainly never tried to touch him under his clothes).
So Kathy figured she better ask someone else.
"Tony" Kathy asked the bartender. "Do the customers tip you when you make them drinks"?
"Yes" Tony said.
"Tony" Kathy asked?
"Yes" Tony replied.
"Do you get a paycheck for working here?"
"Yes" Tony replied. Kathy could feel her face turn hot and red and she was pretty sure she wasn't as happy as she usually was.
Kathy decided to ask someone else.
"Robbie" Kathy asked the man who parked the cars for all of the customers and the girls who drove to work. "Why doesn't everyone who works here get a paycheck"?
"I get a paycheck" Robbie said.
WHAT!! Now Kathy was extremely confused because whenever she got a ride home with one of the girls who drove their car she ALWAYS gave Robbie some of the money that the customers gave to her AND she knew for a fact that many of those customers also gave Robbie money when he parked their cars!!
Kathy marched inside and went into the office where the manager Ian worked.
"Ian, why is it that everyone who works here gets a paycheck except the girls" Kathy demanded, stomping her very pretty foot.
"Because you are independent contractors", Ian said.
"What", Kathy demanded!
"You are independent contractors" Ian said without looking up from his sudoku game. "That is why you pay a fee to work here. Now why don't you stop asking questions and go back to work" Ian said. Never once looking up from his game.
Kathy went home that night and was very, very upset. She was not sure why but she was almost positive that it wasn't fair that everyone at work except the girls was getting a paycheck. Suddenly Kathy knew what it felt like to be her friend who was always thinking and Kathy did not like it one little bit.
Just in case Kathy wasn't already feeling pretty terrible her landlord had called and reminded her that her rent was late. Well, Kathy thought, maybe if I got a paycheck my rent wouldn't be late!
The next night at work Kathy tried to talk to the other girls about the paycheck situation. The girls were interested but they didn't really stay interested that long. There were customers to talk to and drinks to drink.
Kathy was feeling pretty sad by the end of the night, when John, a customer that always liked to come in and see Kathy walked up behind her. For a long time John had been telling Kathy that he could give her more money if she was just a little bit nicer to him. Kathy had always said no when John would ask her about the two of them having an arrangement but tonight Kathy was sad and tired and worried about her rent so she decided she was going to be nicer to John.
Over time John kept up his end of the bargain, and after a while it became easier and easier for Kathy to be nice to him. Eventually Kathy stopped being angry about the paychecks. John gave her enough money to pay her rent, to get a car and eventually to do lots of other stuff. If someone had asked Kathy if her relationship with John was a good one, Kathy would have said yes. It was great compared to being homeless and hungry.
Ten years went by and one night a girl named Lucy who had been working with Kathy for a few weeks asked Kathy why none of the girls at work got paychecks? Kathy said that she didn't know and that she was very busy sniffing the table in front of her so Lucy would have to go and ask someone else.
The End.
I have no doubt that Sleeping Beauty was pretty happy that the spell that had been placed on her had been broken. I do wonder, however, if it ever occurred to her that there may have been another way to break it. Something other then a kiss from a strange prince (I am talking the original story here not the version with Prince Philip and his jealous horse).
I also wonder if Sleeping Beauty really liked the prince that woke her up or if maybe she felt like she was somewhat obligated to stay with him considering he had been crucial to breaking the spell that had imprisoned her (a spell that was by no means brought upon her by anything she had done but instead had been brought about by her parents bad manners and the evil fairies own feelings of insecurity). It is kind of funny to see what someone will choose when given two lousy options, I'm just sayin'.
What? You do not know what I am talking about. Well, let's see, the princess (who may I remind you has just turned 16) has a spell put on her rendering her unconscious - the prince brakes into the castle and finds the young princess unconscious on the bed so what does he do? He kisses her, hmmmm... you seriously never questioned that?
Once upon a time in a land called San Francisco a young and troubled girl named Kathy decided that working at the local pizza joint simply wasn't paying her bills. She hit the bus and ventured into a place called North Beach, the Italian section of San Francisco, also known as the Red Light District.
She was a pretty girl and had always been able to use her looks to get what she wanted but Kathy wasn't the sharpest tool in the box. Kathy didn't really mind being somewhat simple though, in fact she had a friend that was quite intelligent and Kathy noticed that, that friend was almost never happy - Kathy on the other hand was almost always happy and she figured it must have something to do with the fact that she rarely found herself deep in thought.
It did not take Kathy too long to find a job in this land of North Beach, in fact finding a job had been as simple as apple pie (which in one of her rare moments of deep thought Kathy decided was a very silly thing to say since she had tried to bake an apple pie once and it had not gone well at all - it certainly was not simple).
The job that Kathy found was wonderful. She did not have to do any math and there were no uniform and hardly any rules at all. She worked with twenty four other young girls, all of whom were just as pretty as she was, and often she got to smoke pot while she was working. Try as she might Kathy could not find the downside to her new job.
There was however a catch to Kathy's new job. The customers were not required to pay her and Kathy never, ever got paid by her boss.
She came in every night and did what was asked of her. She looked at the schedule that was posted on the wall on Sunday's and always came in on the days that her named was marked down for. She was polite to all of the customers and she did not start fights with the other girls. She wore the appropriate outfits and said all sorts of funny things to the people who came in and sometimes those people gave her money. Sometimes they tried to touch her under her clothes as well.
They would tell her how pretty she was, they would tell her how much they enjoyed talking with her, some of them even invited Kathy to spend time with them when she was not at work but Kathy did not think that was a very good idea. Some times Kathy was so tired when she got home from her new job that she would sleep until one or two in the afternoon the next day. But even has hard as she worked and as good as she was at her job sometimes Kathy would come home with only forty or fifty dollars.
One day Kathy asked one of the other girls at work why none of the girls got paychecks for doing their jobs. The girl who Kathy asked did not have an answer for her though so Kathy asked another girl but she too had no answer and she was very busy sniffing the table in front of her. Kathy decided that she was going to get to the bottom of this mystery so she went up to the very big man who also worked at her job - it was his job to stand at the door and look big and sometimes it was also his job to take out the trash.
"Big Joe" Kathy asked "Why doesn't anybody get paid to work here"?
"I get paid to work here" said Big Joe.
Well, that is rather odd Kathy thought. It was odd because every night when Kathy left work she gave Big Joe some of the money that she had made being nice to the customers - Big Joe didn't have to be nice to the customers?
So Kathy decided she would ask someone else.
"Panther" Kathy asked the tattooed man who sat in the big booth in the back and pushed buttons on his computer to make the songs play, "Why doesn't everyone who works here get a paycheck"?
"I don't know, I get a paycheck" said Panther.
Well, that was very, very strange Kathy thought. I mean Panther did have a very hard job, pushing buttons, but at the end of the night Kathy had to give Panther some of the money that the customers gave to her and Panther never had to talk to the customers (and they certainly never tried to touch him under his clothes).
So Kathy figured she better ask someone else.
"Tony" Kathy asked the bartender. "Do the customers tip you when you make them drinks"?
"Yes" Tony said.
"Tony" Kathy asked?
"Yes" Tony replied.
"Do you get a paycheck for working here?"
"Yes" Tony replied. Kathy could feel her face turn hot and red and she was pretty sure she wasn't as happy as she usually was.
Kathy decided to ask someone else.
"Robbie" Kathy asked the man who parked the cars for all of the customers and the girls who drove to work. "Why doesn't everyone who works here get a paycheck"?
"I get a paycheck" Robbie said.
WHAT!! Now Kathy was extremely confused because whenever she got a ride home with one of the girls who drove their car she ALWAYS gave Robbie some of the money that the customers gave to her AND she knew for a fact that many of those customers also gave Robbie money when he parked their cars!!
Kathy marched inside and went into the office where the manager Ian worked.
"Ian, why is it that everyone who works here gets a paycheck except the girls" Kathy demanded, stomping her very pretty foot.
"Because you are independent contractors", Ian said.
"What", Kathy demanded!
"You are independent contractors" Ian said without looking up from his sudoku game. "That is why you pay a fee to work here. Now why don't you stop asking questions and go back to work" Ian said. Never once looking up from his game.
Kathy went home that night and was very, very upset. She was not sure why but she was almost positive that it wasn't fair that everyone at work except the girls was getting a paycheck. Suddenly Kathy knew what it felt like to be her friend who was always thinking and Kathy did not like it one little bit.
Just in case Kathy wasn't already feeling pretty terrible her landlord had called and reminded her that her rent was late. Well, Kathy thought, maybe if I got a paycheck my rent wouldn't be late!
The next night at work Kathy tried to talk to the other girls about the paycheck situation. The girls were interested but they didn't really stay interested that long. There were customers to talk to and drinks to drink.
Kathy was feeling pretty sad by the end of the night, when John, a customer that always liked to come in and see Kathy walked up behind her. For a long time John had been telling Kathy that he could give her more money if she was just a little bit nicer to him. Kathy had always said no when John would ask her about the two of them having an arrangement but tonight Kathy was sad and tired and worried about her rent so she decided she was going to be nicer to John.
Over time John kept up his end of the bargain, and after a while it became easier and easier for Kathy to be nice to him. Eventually Kathy stopped being angry about the paychecks. John gave her enough money to pay her rent, to get a car and eventually to do lots of other stuff. If someone had asked Kathy if her relationship with John was a good one, Kathy would have said yes. It was great compared to being homeless and hungry.
Ten years went by and one night a girl named Lucy who had been working with Kathy for a few weeks asked Kathy why none of the girls at work got paychecks? Kathy said that she didn't know and that she was very busy sniffing the table in front of her so Lucy would have to go and ask someone else.
The End.
I have no doubt that Sleeping Beauty was pretty happy that the spell that had been placed on her had been broken. I do wonder, however, if it ever occurred to her that there may have been another way to break it. Something other then a kiss from a strange prince (I am talking the original story here not the version with Prince Philip and his jealous horse).
I also wonder if Sleeping Beauty really liked the prince that woke her up or if maybe she felt like she was somewhat obligated to stay with him considering he had been crucial to breaking the spell that had imprisoned her (a spell that was by no means brought upon her by anything she had done but instead had been brought about by her parents bad manners and the evil fairies own feelings of insecurity). It is kind of funny to see what someone will choose when given two lousy options, I'm just sayin'.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Glass Slippers Tend to Crack....
Yesterday I spent quite a few hours making cake batter. I bought all of the ingredients measured them out and mixed them all together. I Found the pans and preheated the oven. I even washed up everything I used to bake the cake after I poured the batter in and placed it all in the stove. Upon the alloted amount of time given in the recipe I took the cake out placed it on the cooling rack and set off to find frosting (I just didn't feel like making that myself). Well -- when I got back it seems that someone else ate the cake. There I was, left with just the frosting....
Once upon a time there was a girl named Cinderella, she had an adventure involving a pumpkin a fairy godmother, a prince, some wicked step sisters and a glass slipper -- but all that is well documented. The real ending of the story is not as well known and actually is more poignant when told from the point of view of Cinderella's (wicked - such a subjective term) step sister.
When we last heard from Drucella (the step sister in question) she had sat rather grumpily by and watched as the young and beautiful Cinderella placed her petite and slender foot into the glass slipper revealing that she was indeed the true love of the handsome prince. At the time Drucella was a little put out about the whole situation but trust me she got over it.
Time passed, Drucella got a personal trainer and a skin regiment. She also discovered that she could not only walk in platform heeled shoes but she was really quite graceful in them. Rather than spending all of her time with her sister (blood may be thicker then water but trust me there is a lot of water in mud) she found a new group of friends to spend time with and she took up knitting (as all the really hip town folk were doing).
One afternoon while Drucella was strolling around town she happened upon her brother in law the Prince. Since Drucella and Cinderella were not really that close Dru (as she now liked to be called) had not seen the prince in quite some time. When she called out to him to say hello he was absolutely gobsmacked to find that Dru was indeed Drucella.
The two talked for some time and decided there would not really be any harm in exchanging numbers or perhaps CountenanceBook accounts. I mean they were in laws, no big deal.
They began speaking on the phone just once or twice a week, updated each others walls on occasion and a scroll message here and there but soon the encounters became more frequent and after a month or so they decided to meet for crumpets and tea.
Now it is my understanding that most of the people reading these blogs are of a mature(ish) age so I highly doubt that I need to explain what happened after the crumpets and the tea. Let's just say that the back room at the local Ale House was usually occupied on Tuesday afternoons or anytime the Prince had a late Round Table meeting that he needed to attend.
After a while Dru started to wonder where it was all going, this affair she and her brother in law were having. She stared to fantasize about what it would be like to spend time with the Prince at night or even alone in the castle. She found that she really liked the prince, and not just for his jousting skills. She wondered what it felt like to ride on his horse or have dinner with diplomats as the princess as opposed to just the sister in law.
Finally Dru's curiosity got the better of her and she sent a messenger over to Cinderella herself claiming that it had been too long since the two had spent time together and requesting an audience with the princess.
Cinderella replied to Dru's request sating that the two should meet and mentioning something about the aforementioned Blood Water ratio.
Off Dru went to the castle - this time through the front door. Dru's mouth dropped in shock when Cinderella walked into the entry way to greet her. Cinderella had put on some weight (and not the healthy kind).
The two made idol chatter for a while but as time went on the conversation became more sincere. Dru talked about all the positive changes she had made in her life and Cinderella talked about diapers, bottles, kinder-care, spelling lessons and potty training. Dru mentioned that she had taken up knitting and Cinderella mentioned that her eldest daughter had volunteered to keep the schools Hog for the summer.
Finally Dru asked Cinderella if she was happy?
"I am happy" Cinderella said.
"Really" asked Dru, "You seem so tiered and all of your time seems to go to the castle and the kids"?
"You are not wrong said Cinderella, but I love the life that I have. I adore the kids and the castle and I sleep well at night. Sure I have put on some weight - now don't pretend you didn't notice, but heck I have enough food to eat so why not eat it. I have a warm bed to sleep in so why waste a bunch of time running around searching for something else. I have found everything that I want, and I love my life, I really do" Cinderella said with a smile, and Dru honestly believed her.
"Well, I guess everyone has a different fairy tale ending in mind...." Dru stated, and with that the two sisters continued on their visit.
When it was time for Dru to leave she said to Cinderella "I do have one more question for you"?
"What is that?" Cinderella said.
"Well, I was just wondering what ever happened to the glass slippers?"
"I still have them - but I can't wear them anymore because Prince Gary cracked the heel on one while he was playing dress up" Cinderella replied.
"He dresses up in your clothes" Dru asked?
"All the time" Replied Cinderella, without too much concern. The original stories were not wrong about Cinderella being a good person and she was going to support the young prince in what ever choices he made in life.
With that question answered Dru left her sister to her castle and her little princesses and princes.
Upon hearing what occurred when Dru and Cinderella met one might think that Dru called off her affair with the Prince immediately after leaving the castle - not the case at all.
Dru who really did like the prince continued the affair until his death in a terrible horse and cart accident at the age of 68 (and considering the prince was twenty years older then Dru and Cinderella his untimely death left both women plenty of time to enjoy middle age with other men).
Cinderella never found out about the affair (becuase neither the prince nor Dru were stupid people) and she too lived happily until the Prince's death (and after it as well). Cinderella's children made her a grandmother many times over and she was always surrounded by love and family. In fact Dru and Cinderella remained friends as well and were often spotted together at the local horse races.
They all lived happily ever after, they all just happened to have a different kind of happily.
The End
So what came of my cake escapade you may ask? Well, I have no idea who ate it but I bet it was delicious and you do not have to worry about me - I ate the frosting; on a Ritz Cracker.
Once upon a time there was a girl named Cinderella, she had an adventure involving a pumpkin a fairy godmother, a prince, some wicked step sisters and a glass slipper -- but all that is well documented. The real ending of the story is not as well known and actually is more poignant when told from the point of view of Cinderella's (wicked - such a subjective term) step sister.
When we last heard from Drucella (the step sister in question) she had sat rather grumpily by and watched as the young and beautiful Cinderella placed her petite and slender foot into the glass slipper revealing that she was indeed the true love of the handsome prince. At the time Drucella was a little put out about the whole situation but trust me she got over it.
Time passed, Drucella got a personal trainer and a skin regiment. She also discovered that she could not only walk in platform heeled shoes but she was really quite graceful in them. Rather than spending all of her time with her sister (blood may be thicker then water but trust me there is a lot of water in mud) she found a new group of friends to spend time with and she took up knitting (as all the really hip town folk were doing).
One afternoon while Drucella was strolling around town she happened upon her brother in law the Prince. Since Drucella and Cinderella were not really that close Dru (as she now liked to be called) had not seen the prince in quite some time. When she called out to him to say hello he was absolutely gobsmacked to find that Dru was indeed Drucella.
The two talked for some time and decided there would not really be any harm in exchanging numbers or perhaps CountenanceBook accounts. I mean they were in laws, no big deal.
They began speaking on the phone just once or twice a week, updated each others walls on occasion and a scroll message here and there but soon the encounters became more frequent and after a month or so they decided to meet for crumpets and tea.
Now it is my understanding that most of the people reading these blogs are of a mature(ish) age so I highly doubt that I need to explain what happened after the crumpets and the tea. Let's just say that the back room at the local Ale House was usually occupied on Tuesday afternoons or anytime the Prince had a late Round Table meeting that he needed to attend.
After a while Dru started to wonder where it was all going, this affair she and her brother in law were having. She stared to fantasize about what it would be like to spend time with the Prince at night or even alone in the castle. She found that she really liked the prince, and not just for his jousting skills. She wondered what it felt like to ride on his horse or have dinner with diplomats as the princess as opposed to just the sister in law.
Finally Dru's curiosity got the better of her and she sent a messenger over to Cinderella herself claiming that it had been too long since the two had spent time together and requesting an audience with the princess.
Cinderella replied to Dru's request sating that the two should meet and mentioning something about the aforementioned Blood Water ratio.
Off Dru went to the castle - this time through the front door. Dru's mouth dropped in shock when Cinderella walked into the entry way to greet her. Cinderella had put on some weight (and not the healthy kind).
The two made idol chatter for a while but as time went on the conversation became more sincere. Dru talked about all the positive changes she had made in her life and Cinderella talked about diapers, bottles, kinder-care, spelling lessons and potty training. Dru mentioned that she had taken up knitting and Cinderella mentioned that her eldest daughter had volunteered to keep the schools Hog for the summer.
Finally Dru asked Cinderella if she was happy?
"I am happy" Cinderella said.
"Really" asked Dru, "You seem so tiered and all of your time seems to go to the castle and the kids"?
"You are not wrong said Cinderella, but I love the life that I have. I adore the kids and the castle and I sleep well at night. Sure I have put on some weight - now don't pretend you didn't notice, but heck I have enough food to eat so why not eat it. I have a warm bed to sleep in so why waste a bunch of time running around searching for something else. I have found everything that I want, and I love my life, I really do" Cinderella said with a smile, and Dru honestly believed her.
"Well, I guess everyone has a different fairy tale ending in mind...." Dru stated, and with that the two sisters continued on their visit.
When it was time for Dru to leave she said to Cinderella "I do have one more question for you"?
"What is that?" Cinderella said.
"Well, I was just wondering what ever happened to the glass slippers?"
"I still have them - but I can't wear them anymore because Prince Gary cracked the heel on one while he was playing dress up" Cinderella replied.
"He dresses up in your clothes" Dru asked?
"All the time" Replied Cinderella, without too much concern. The original stories were not wrong about Cinderella being a good person and she was going to support the young prince in what ever choices he made in life.
With that question answered Dru left her sister to her castle and her little princesses and princes.
Upon hearing what occurred when Dru and Cinderella met one might think that Dru called off her affair with the Prince immediately after leaving the castle - not the case at all.
Dru who really did like the prince continued the affair until his death in a terrible horse and cart accident at the age of 68 (and considering the prince was twenty years older then Dru and Cinderella his untimely death left both women plenty of time to enjoy middle age with other men).
Cinderella never found out about the affair (becuase neither the prince nor Dru were stupid people) and she too lived happily until the Prince's death (and after it as well). Cinderella's children made her a grandmother many times over and she was always surrounded by love and family. In fact Dru and Cinderella remained friends as well and were often spotted together at the local horse races.
They all lived happily ever after, they all just happened to have a different kind of happily.
The End
So what came of my cake escapade you may ask? Well, I have no idea who ate it but I bet it was delicious and you do not have to worry about me - I ate the frosting; on a Ritz Cracker.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Don't Kiss Frogs (With Tongue)
I bit my dog once. I did not bite him hard, it was more of a love pinch really. He of course did not care for it one bit - but he did not bite me back. That is the kind of relationship that he and I have. Do not worry though, I only bit him once - I kiss him all the time.
Once upon a time there was a lovely little girl who went by the name of Keeley. She was tall and thin with a round bottom and a round top and a little tapered waste. Once when she was at the neighborhood coffee shop another lovely girl whispered to a friend standing nearby, "Look at that lovely girl; it is as though she walks on air and her nose is always sticking up in it. Well, I certainly hope she floats far from here someday". This statement of course was not meant in a happy parade float kind of way, no sir, this was meant as a insult toward Keeley (and one that was not whispered at all but rather said loud enough for anyone listening to hear quite well). Keeley did not care one bit about the other girls rant - Jealousy from girls was simply a compliment as far as she was concerned.
Outburst's like that happened all the time when Keeley went somewhere new and she was used to it by now. She ordered her coffee with cream and two sugars (normally she would have gotten it without the cream but she wanted to be sure that the other girls knew that she could eat anything she wanted) and headed out the door to the street below as happy as she always was - and why shouldn't she be.
Once outside Keeley headed toward her bicycle which she had hitched up near by when suddenly she heard a deep voice from somewhere below her.
"Excuse me miss, but could I get a kiss?"
Keeley was surprised to hear such a deep voice without a gentleman to accompany it. She looked around but there was certainly no one near by?
"Excuse me miss, but could I please get a kiss?" The voice came again this time in a pleading tone.
"I would be more than happy to give you a kiss sir, if you would only tell me where you are?" Keeley replied to the phantom voice.
"Just look down, lovely lady - I am right below your nose." The voice replied full of confidence, with no indication what so ever that there may be anything odd attached to the statement, the request - or the requester.
So Keeley looked down and what did she see; the ugliest frog she had ever laid her eyes upon.
"Oh my sir. You are a frog" Keeley stated mouth agape.
"And you are a lovely young lady" the frog replied rather matter of fact. "Since we have both now stated the obvious could we please move along to the business at hand - my kiss."
' Keeley was about to reply to the frog (and I will save her reply for now since if I were to tell you what she was going to say at this point it would take away something from the moral and ending of the tale) when the two lovely, albeit loud, young ladies from the coffee shop walked over to Keeley and the very ugly frog.
"You are not going to kiss that frog are you Keeley?" the louder (and prettier) of the two girls said as they approached the pair on the sidewalk.
"Hush girl, I am no longer talking to you!" the frog protested.
"Oh my, did you ask these girls to kiss you as well?" Keeley asked the very ugly frog.
"I did" the frog replied.
"And did they do it?" Keeley asked.
"We certainly did not!" the quieter (although not really quiet) and less pretty (although pretty all the same) of the two girls replied. "Why on earth would we kiss any frog - and certainly not one as ugly as that".
At this point Keeley had some thinking to do. She was not quite sure how she felt about kissing a frog - ugly or not. At the same time she knew that she did not care for the two loud (yet pretty) girls. So she did not want to do what they had done, which of course was to not do anything. Keeley decided that she would rather be known as the girl who kissed the frog then the girl who was loud and rude (although loud rude and pretty).
"Well frog, I have decided what I am going to do" Keeley said.
"Will you kiss me?" asked the frog.
"Will you kiss him?" asked the louder and prettier of the two girls.
"You are not going to kiss him, are you?" asked the quieter and less pretty of the two girls.
All of the group awaited Keeley's response with such intensity one might have thought something very, very important was going on outside the coffee shop (albeit rather odd).
"Mr. Frog, I will kiss you" Keeley said, "But I will not kiss you with tongue" she stated rather matter of fact.
"Fabulous!" replied the frog and with that Keeley knelt down on the sidewalk, which was not really all that clean, and kissed the frog - with a closed mouth, which somehow seemed cleaner then the alternative type of kissing which would have involved tongue which we have already established Keeley was not going to do.
All of a sudden there was a puff of smoke and the frog turned into a Calvin Kline swimsuit male model.
"Holy Smoke" Keeley said.
"Holy Moley" The quieter (and less pretty) of the two girls said.
"Holy Shit!" The louder (and clearly more vulgar) of the two girls said.
"I know, right?" said the frog who was no longer a frog. "I have been stuck as that frog for like ever. No body would kiss me - I mean no body" the frog/swimsuit model stated. "I thought the ridiculous curse that was placed on me would never be over and I would never find another man to love me, for my mind and my gorgeous body".
"So you are into boys?" Keeley asked the frog/swimsuit model.
"Definitely" the frog/swimsuit model replied.
"Well, if that is the case then I guess I better head home" Keeley said, and with that she got on her bike and rode away without a prince but with the knowledge that she had done something nice, and she had made the other two girls look rather bitchy and petty in the process.
The end.
So the moral to my story is that sometimes the prince isn't worth getting but the upper hand almost always is -- just look at me and my dog; I never did get bit.
Once upon a time there was a lovely little girl who went by the name of Keeley. She was tall and thin with a round bottom and a round top and a little tapered waste. Once when she was at the neighborhood coffee shop another lovely girl whispered to a friend standing nearby, "Look at that lovely girl; it is as though she walks on air and her nose is always sticking up in it. Well, I certainly hope she floats far from here someday". This statement of course was not meant in a happy parade float kind of way, no sir, this was meant as a insult toward Keeley (and one that was not whispered at all but rather said loud enough for anyone listening to hear quite well). Keeley did not care one bit about the other girls rant - Jealousy from girls was simply a compliment as far as she was concerned.
Outburst's like that happened all the time when Keeley went somewhere new and she was used to it by now. She ordered her coffee with cream and two sugars (normally she would have gotten it without the cream but she wanted to be sure that the other girls knew that she could eat anything she wanted) and headed out the door to the street below as happy as she always was - and why shouldn't she be.
Once outside Keeley headed toward her bicycle which she had hitched up near by when suddenly she heard a deep voice from somewhere below her.
"Excuse me miss, but could I get a kiss?"
Keeley was surprised to hear such a deep voice without a gentleman to accompany it. She looked around but there was certainly no one near by?
"Excuse me miss, but could I please get a kiss?" The voice came again this time in a pleading tone.
"I would be more than happy to give you a kiss sir, if you would only tell me where you are?" Keeley replied to the phantom voice.
"Just look down, lovely lady - I am right below your nose." The voice replied full of confidence, with no indication what so ever that there may be anything odd attached to the statement, the request - or the requester.
So Keeley looked down and what did she see; the ugliest frog she had ever laid her eyes upon.
"Oh my sir. You are a frog" Keeley stated mouth agape.
"And you are a lovely young lady" the frog replied rather matter of fact. "Since we have both now stated the obvious could we please move along to the business at hand - my kiss."
' Keeley was about to reply to the frog (and I will save her reply for now since if I were to tell you what she was going to say at this point it would take away something from the moral and ending of the tale) when the two lovely, albeit loud, young ladies from the coffee shop walked over to Keeley and the very ugly frog.
"You are not going to kiss that frog are you Keeley?" the louder (and prettier) of the two girls said as they approached the pair on the sidewalk.
"Hush girl, I am no longer talking to you!" the frog protested.
"Oh my, did you ask these girls to kiss you as well?" Keeley asked the very ugly frog.
"I did" the frog replied.
"And did they do it?" Keeley asked.
"We certainly did not!" the quieter (although not really quiet) and less pretty (although pretty all the same) of the two girls replied. "Why on earth would we kiss any frog - and certainly not one as ugly as that".
At this point Keeley had some thinking to do. She was not quite sure how she felt about kissing a frog - ugly or not. At the same time she knew that she did not care for the two loud (yet pretty) girls. So she did not want to do what they had done, which of course was to not do anything. Keeley decided that she would rather be known as the girl who kissed the frog then the girl who was loud and rude (although loud rude and pretty).
"Well frog, I have decided what I am going to do" Keeley said.
"Will you kiss me?" asked the frog.
"Will you kiss him?" asked the louder and prettier of the two girls.
"You are not going to kiss him, are you?" asked the quieter and less pretty of the two girls.
All of the group awaited Keeley's response with such intensity one might have thought something very, very important was going on outside the coffee shop (albeit rather odd).
"Mr. Frog, I will kiss you" Keeley said, "But I will not kiss you with tongue" she stated rather matter of fact.
"Fabulous!" replied the frog and with that Keeley knelt down on the sidewalk, which was not really all that clean, and kissed the frog - with a closed mouth, which somehow seemed cleaner then the alternative type of kissing which would have involved tongue which we have already established Keeley was not going to do.
All of a sudden there was a puff of smoke and the frog turned into a Calvin Kline swimsuit male model.
"Holy Smoke" Keeley said.
"Holy Moley" The quieter (and less pretty) of the two girls said.
"Holy Shit!" The louder (and clearly more vulgar) of the two girls said.
"I know, right?" said the frog who was no longer a frog. "I have been stuck as that frog for like ever. No body would kiss me - I mean no body" the frog/swimsuit model stated. "I thought the ridiculous curse that was placed on me would never be over and I would never find another man to love me, for my mind and my gorgeous body".
"So you are into boys?" Keeley asked the frog/swimsuit model.
"Definitely" the frog/swimsuit model replied.
"Well, if that is the case then I guess I better head home" Keeley said, and with that she got on her bike and rode away without a prince but with the knowledge that she had done something nice, and she had made the other two girls look rather bitchy and petty in the process.
The end.
So the moral to my story is that sometimes the prince isn't worth getting but the upper hand almost always is -- just look at me and my dog; I never did get bit.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)